Do you choose your work or does it choose you? Tales of a woman in a male dominated profession - Part 1

I am a scientist and ever since my grad school days, have been the only woman, or one of a handful of women in the type of work I do. (A notable exception was my stint as a post-doc when I worked for a woman who led a woman dominated lab). When I started grad school in a laser spectroscopy lab, a brand new foreign student who had never seen a laser ever, much less interacted with amazing Russian scientists you only read about, I was intimidated to unbearable levels. Now, I'm not someone that is easily intimidated. So when I chose the lab I did to embark upon my career in Science, I wondered if I'd made the right decision - you know - how on earth was I going to survive in such an environment? But that was part of the thrill - the advisor was revered an in his field, the lab was full of some amazing male brain (brawn - hmmmm a bit disappointing there), and there was cool equipment everywere. This was science geek paradise. If I can claim that I pushed the envelope a bit in my life, this was certainly one of those times. As it turned out, I did have a hard life - my advisor ruled with an iron hand and treated me just the same as the big Russian guys - he hung me on a rope and verbally made mincemeat out of me every time I screwed up or didn't meet his stringent intellectual standards. Earning his respect was a big deal for me and anytime I was made mincemeat of was excruciatingly painful. I just didn't have the thick hide my colleagues did to not care - I cared about his opinion of me deeply. Female vs. male response? After a couple of such episodes, I convinced myself that he did not think much of me and I went on a passionate mission to prove myself. The result was that I aced one of his courses (topped it - I did better than all those Russian brains). I was overjoyed - not only because I topped the course but because my advisor bothered to come and give me this information and for the very first time told me that he thought I was doing good work. Imagine that? I was like what??? You think so? That's when I realized he was my champion. To this day, he has only wonderful things to say about me when I ask for references and he is one of the very few champions I have had in my career.

The long and short of this story is that I am beginning to realize that my biggest vulnerability is this need to be appreciated. Is this a woman problem in general? Throw into this mix decisions on what to wear to work, interacting with male colleagues etc., there's never a dull moment. Part 2 to follow.