Rebirth and growing up as a mother

I ususally do not write about my my life as a mom or about my daughters. But today, on my drive back from work, I found myself thinking about them and smiling. Now, I'm not one of your sappy people. I am not overly demonstrative in my affections and sometimes I do feel like leaving the family and going away for a bit on my own. But, I have to tell you, there are times when I become a sentimental mom and feel like the luckiest woman to have such crazily lovable kids.
Chinnu and her sweet sweet nature, love of all people, no discriminations, her goodness of heart, her love of all things fun and total and ultimate love of life. Her enthusiasm is infectious and her sense of humor is amazing. On the other hand, the little devil. Where do I start with her? Her complete mistrust of people, her aggressive, jealous, possessive nature, her bums shaking as she runs around, her love of music, her love for walking with shoes. I wonder how it is possible that two people can make two kids that are as unlike each other as night and day.
They make me laugh, these two little tots. They make me want to bite and eat them, squeeze them till they beg to be let go, smell them, whack them, scream at them, shake them, kiss them and love them forever. I hope they are this happy and bring so much happiness for years to come.

I love you girls (despite what I am about to say).

Some days (especially when I meet up with or talk to childhood friends), I float outside my body and marvel at this new person I've become since I became a mom. Mommyhood emotions are as varied as the colors in the spectrum. From women who fall in love with their children and mommyhood to those like Meryl Streep (in the Bridges of Madison County): When a woman makes the choice to marry, to have children, in one way her life begins but in another way it stops. You build a life of details. You become a mother, a wife and you stop and stay steady so that your children can move. And when they leave they take your life of details with them. And then you're expected move again only you don't remember what moves you because no-one has asked in so long. Not even yourself."

Today I'm thankful that I do not feel like Meryl Streep's character. Yes I have changed a lot - I am always ensuring that the girls are well fed, and well rested. Everything else comes after that. So there goes spontaneity out the door.
I can't get naughty with the hubby when ever I feel like - what am I saying - like I even have energy for that stuff anymore :).
I worry a lot - it's hard for me take lightly the responsibility of two creatures that lived inside me for almost a year. It's much much better with the little devil (maybe her being a devil helps).
I am all about schedule, schedule, schedule. My motto: a happy child/mother is one who has a predictable routine. When I was a free single gal, I used to pity people who led lives of routine. Touche.

You know those people who feel sorry for the couple with kids that have nothing to say in a restaurant? Well, they should shut up because they have no clue what they're talking about. It's a luxury to eat in silence, when you can just enjoy your meal. But then, how would I know? The only times I've had a silent meal is when the hubby and Chinnu were away in Desh.

In my case, my life of details are kept spiced by my various hobbies. Thanks to the domesticity and routine in my life, I am now enjoying music and dance lessons. Whereas with Chinnu, I would have died with guilt for being away from her for a few hours during weekends, as if being away the entire week was not enough, now I have come to enjoy these activities and the company of my fellow moms/girls who do these with me.
The few stolen moments with hubby are even more precious because they are so hard to get.
The kids are a joy for the most part - they make me feel like I did the right thing because they love life so.

As I grow older and more experienced in mommyhood, I realize that the best part is I am not guilty all the time. It's not so bad to be late to pick up your kid once in a while. It's not so bad to do things for yourself even if it means taking out some time that you could be spending with them. Quality matters more than quantity.

I'm also trying to let go a bit. It's not so bad to have their routines messed up once in a while. It's impossible to keep them safe all the time - accept that accidents will happen and their perfect skin will start sporting blemishes. Accept that Chinnu is growing and learning a lot from other people (not necessarily approved by me) and it's OK. That's growing up. Accept that Chinnu is growing up - she's half my height and incredibly independent. She loves me but does not need me as much. I actually like that.

I tell myself often that hubby and I are lucky to have these munchkins. We do a lot together and despite all the routine and domesticity, life is good and fun. Our house is full of life, laughter and chatter.